Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch
Raging Moderate by Will Durst
And now, your weekly update from the world of poly ticks.
Run for your lives, people, because it’s complete chaos out there. In the pre-summer rush to wrangle positive press; current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents and current presidents are viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge. To say it is not a pretty sight is similar to intimating that encountering hot oily transmission parts in the bowels of your sleeping bag is not an optimal proposition.
Here’s a sampling of the carnage that occurred this past week:
• Jeb Bush managed to give 5 different answers to the single question, “if you knew what you know now, would you have invaded Iraq?†The former governor of Florida ran the gamut from “indeedie do†to “didn’t understand the question†to “is Iraq the one with the Pyramids?†to “not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,†which was criticized by family members as a thoughtless slur aimed at Barbara Bush, especially so close to Mother’s Day.
• Rick Perry answered the same question with a resounding “no†even though it has yet to be determined whether anybody asked.
• That other Bush boy, George W, gave a commencement address at SMU wherein he exhorted C students to not despair, because they too could lead a country into two useless wars and the brink of bankruptcy. Laughter and applause ensued.
• Mike Huckabee defended a member of the extremely fertile Duggar family for the youthful indiscretion of child molestation because apparently the Bible says all white male heterosexual Christians deserve a second chance. Gays and women, not so much.
• Chris Christie was hailed for finally disproving that whole “too big to fail†theory.
• Hillary Clinton deigned to speak to the press after not taking questions for almost a month. Highly unusual for a non-incumbent to run a Rose Garden Strategy, but she does know where it is.
• The questions were in response to the State Department releasing a load of her emails, but it is generally acknowledged that as far as Benghazi is concerned, there were no smoking guns. Not even a slightly tepid fireplace poker. A sultry cat-nine-tails, maybe. But that could be left over from a conjugal visit with Bill.
• Lindsay Graham told CBS’s “Good Morning†he will announce whether he’ll run for President on June 1st then said “I’m running because I think the world is falling apart.†Sort of ruining the surprise.
• Graham will become the 7th Republican to announce his candidacy, which means the GOP is that much closer to achieving its goal of matching each voter with his or her own individual candidate.
• In a charity boxing match that raised over a million dollars, Mitt Romney went 2 rounds with Evander Holyfield, making some psychologists suggest his predilection for getting beaten by African American men borders on the pathological.
•President Obama posted on his new Twitter account. His profile reads, “Dad, husband and President of the United States.†A disconcerting indication of where we stand.
With 70 weeks before the election, you might want to fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
