GAVEL GAMUT By Jim Redwine

    “Mr. Redwine, this is the medical laboratory at the Palace of Pain. We have the results of your recent CT Scan. Would you like the good news or the bad news first?” 

    “Oh, let’s go with the bad news; lay it on me.” 

    “Okay Jim, the bad news is there isn’t much good news. However, you show no signs of any fatal health condition. On the other hand, you probably should stay away from any sharp instruments or loaded pistols until after we can remove the large kidney stone that showed up on your CT Scan.”

    “What about just ignoring the stone; will it simply dissolve or pass on its own?”

     “I’m afraid not. What is most likely is the large calcified mass will dislodge on its own and seek to escape out of your kidneys. Of course, as a member of the male part of the species, you know the route the large stone must take to get free. Yes, that’s right, that is how it must escape if we just leave things up to Mother Nature. Or we can go in there and break it up and wait as the pieces work their way along the aqueduct system until they achieve the end of the waterway. What’s your pleasure (if you don’t mind the expression?)”

    “Ugh, can’t you just shoot me? After all I’m almost 80 years old and it’s already been a pretty good run?”

    “Actually, we’d be willing to shoot you but they won’t let us. We’ll have to dig out the kidney stone. It’s an easier procedure than Peg’s second hip replacement that’s scheduled in two weeks. She isn’t whining; it looks like she’s the one with the manly equipment. When do you want to get this rodeo started? It could break free at any time and, if it does, you know where it will get stopped up. You do not want that! We’ll give you a silver bullet to bite on. How about next week?”

    “Can you give me a few more details?” 

    “Sure, we’ll go in with a tube and break the stone up, leave a stent in to keep the passageway open then spend about the next week watching the pieces work their way out.” 

    “Work their way out of where?” 

    “Out of your kidneys, of course.” 

    “How do they get out of my urine?”

    “You already know where the urine comes out.” 

    “Yeh, I know that but how do you get up there to get the pieces?” 

    “We have to insert a long rubber tube up there, you know, there.” 

    “How do you do that?” 

    “We insert it in the end of the device Mother Nature gave you and let things progress, more or less, naturally.” 

    “Okay, back to Plan B; let’s use that silver bullet for its truly intended purpose.”

    “Nope, I lied we won’t shoot you. Not for your sake, but because we are all younger, we don’t have kidney stones and we’re not going to jail just because you’re a wimp. Buck up! Plenty of men, and a lot of women too, have survived kidney stones. As for me, I am ready to do this now. I’m not afraid.” 

    “I’m impressed with your courage.”

    Well, here we are. Two female nurses, Peg, one Marquis de Sade trying to pass for a Galen and me naked and exposed. “Isn’t that tube rather large and awfully long? What about a general anesthetic. And you better keep that sharp scalpel out of my reach.”

    Well. Gentle Reader, it’s now two days after Peg’s surgery, one week after my two surgeries (yes, I had to have two), and I got the last laugh! Just as Peg got finished typing this article a mouse ran over her feet and she is now the biggest wimp at JPeg Osage Ranch! At least for one brief shining moment.

    For more Gavel Gamut articles go to

    Or “Like/Follow” us on Facebook & Twitter at JPegOsageRanch