Gavel Gamut
By Jim Redwine
THE STATE OF MIND
President Obama gave us his assessment of the state of our Union. He says, due to his policies, we are strong, but could be stronger if the Republicans would implement more of his policies.
The Republicans responded that, in spite of the President’s policies, our Union is strong, but could be stronger if the President would not veto their policies.
Cuba’s doddering old revolutionary, Fidel Castro, agrees with the President that if America would just send Cuba some modern automobiles in trade for fine Havana cigars, the Bay of Pigs would be forgiven. President Bill Clinton is on board with this.
Pope Francis offered to address a joint session of Congress to help President Obama convince the anti-Castro crowd that they should not pray that Fidel and Raul die before we recognize a country ninety miles from Miami.
Iran’s position on the state of our Union is we are a puppet state of Israel, which is in need of a strong dose of salts. Israel is upset that the President is calling for only 10 billion dollars of taxpayer money to defend Israel’s stockpile of nuclear weapons instead of calling for war to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapon.
A million graduating high school seniors agree with the President that someone besides them should pay for their first two years of college.
The conference of state governors met via Skype as soon as they heard Tennessee get credit for providing free education beyond high school. Forty-nine states joined in a class action lawsuit to investigate how much federal tax money was involved. Frankly, if the governors would just try to drive through downtown Nashville during rush hour they would probably agree that further education in the Volunteer State is a good idea.
Bill Belichick is just relieved the President did not announce an F.B.I. inquiry into the psi of footballs. So is FOX NEWS, which some think is the repository of any missing hot air.
Governor Perry of Texas saw some reason to hope the President’s immigration plan will fall as flat as Congress’s reaction to it during the speech. Perhaps Perry can still build a Berlin Wall from the Gulf of Mexico to the Pacific Ocean between Mexico and America, our part of America, of course.
Fourteen million illegal immigrants sighed in relief to hear the President tout the accomplishments of one of their fellow “Dreamers†and to realize our immigration laws are as likely to be enforced as the prohibition against texting and driving.
Canada rejoiced when President Obama made it clear the Keystone Pipeline was only being delayed until the condemnation lawsuits are resolved, that is, after the 2016 elections.
The Democrat Party took heart about the next presidential campaign after hearing the Republican Party responses to the speech. Once again defeat was likely to be pulled from the jaws of victory by Tea Party positions already rejected by most literate citizens.
Angela Merkel of Germany was unimpressed, and turned off her cell phone, when the President vowed to ramp up our cyber war on the rest of the world after blaming North Korea for firing the first salvos of “worms†and viruses.
CNN was upset the President did not devote his entire State of the Union address to the loss of seventeen lives in the terrorist attacks in Paris and that he had the temerity to mention the thousands of lives lost in Nigeria. Wolf Blitzer began to redirect all news accounts to Paris immediately after the President finished speaking.
As for my State of Mind, I have to say I enjoyed the President’s State of the Union address. It, along with the Republican Party responses and the post-speech analyses by the news media, rivaled any other reality show available on television. Well, excluding the tragic saga of Lady Mary’s star-crossed love life on Downton Abbey, of course.