Raging Moderate by Will Durst

As it appears we’re smack dab in the middle of the 2016 presidential campaign announcement season, this might be the perfect time to ask the question on every American’s lips: what kind of twisted psychopath chooses to do this? Who are these people that are so all fired up to enter this soul-sucking fray just to sit in an Office that is oval? Masochists? Sadists? Sadomasochists? Masosadochists? Folks who didn’t pay attention during any previous election?

As we ravenous hounds of the media descend like quadrennial locusts on the plucky pioneers making their early intentions known, the public is entitled to know what kind of flippo-unit willingly volunteers to sell their soul and ditch their family for the chance to become a human sound byte and eat crap food for 18 months. Who in their right mind would desire to be President? Aye, there’s the rub. The right mind part. Reinforcing a belief that anybody who wants to be president shouldn’t be.

It can’t be the power. Buffeted by the winds of domestic, foreign and intergalactic fate, a president is as effective as a weatherman in an outhouse hit by a tornado. Running for POTUS is an exercise in doomed futility. Like applying for the job of lion tamer knowing they’re going to take away your clothes, whip and chair, paint dashes around your neck, and hang a sign that says, “bite here.”

It’s got to be the perks. In order to compensate for all this dismal malarkey, the fringe benefits must be pretty darn sweet. After intensive investigation, we here at Durstco have discovered the top 11 reasons why being president is so darn cool. Why 11? Because it’s 10 percent funnier than 10, that’s why.

11. Not only are your driving days over, but you’ll never sweat a red light again. Don’t want to wear a seat belt? Don’t.

10. A cool $400,000 a year salary. About the same as a mid- level porn producer. Although, if Carly Fiorina or Hillary Clinton wins, we only have to pay them 77 percent, or $308,000.

9. From out of nowhere, mothers will hand you their babies. To do with what you will.

8. Your own 747. With in-flight refueling connections, ballistic missiles, evasive action capabilities and 19 televisions.

7. Everywhere you go, someone close will be carrying a football.

6. People pay attention to what you say. Your every syllable will be raked over like a beach near the crash site of a jet carrying the world’s largest shipment of blue diamonds.

5. Got a minor phobia about being late? Nothing will ever start without you again.

4. You want lobster thermidor at 3 a.m.? You can have lobster thermidor at 3 a.m.

3. Guaranteed to age into a stylish head of distinguished grey hair. Every president gets it. Obama looks like a snow-capped mountain pass. Thank God John McCain didn’t win in 2008. The guy started out a sarcophagus. By the end of his first term, he would have looked like a rubber Yoda hand puppet shriveled in the Arizona summer sun.

2. Extremely attentive health care. You don’t just have a doctor on call. He’s in the bullet- proof car behind you.

1. Your post presidential speaking fee just crossed into seven figures.