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TOP 11 REASONS BEING POTUS IS SO DARN COOL

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Raging Moderate by Will Durst

As it appears we’re smack dab in the middle of the 2016 presidential campaign announcement season, this might be the perfect time to ask the question on every American’s lips: what kind of twisted psychopath chooses to do this? Who are these people that are so all fired up to enter this soul-sucking fray just to sit in an Office that is oval? Masochists? Sadists? Sadomasochists? Masosadochists? Folks who didn’t pay attention during any previous election?

As we ravenous hounds of the media descend like quadrennial locusts on the plucky pioneers making their early intentions known, the public is entitled to know what kind of flippo-unit willingly volunteers to sell their soul and ditch their family for the chance to become a human sound byte and eat crap food for 18 months. Who in their right mind would desire to be President? Aye, there’s the rub. The right mind part. Reinforcing a belief that anybody who wants to be president shouldn’t be.

It can’t be the power. Buffeted by the winds of domestic, foreign and intergalactic fate, a president is as effective as a weatherman in an outhouse hit by a tornado. Running for POTUS is an exercise in doomed futility. Like applying for the job of lion tamer knowing they’re going to take away your clothes, whip and chair, paint dashes around your neck, and hang a sign that says, “bite here.”

It’s got to be the perks. In order to compensate for all this dismal malarkey, the fringe benefits must be pretty darn sweet. After intensive investigation, we here at Durstco have discovered the top 11 reasons why being president is so darn cool. Why 11? Because it’s 10 percent funnier than 10, that’s why.

11. Not only are your driving days over, but you’ll never sweat a red light again. Don’t want to wear a seat belt? Don’t.

10. A cool $400,000 a year salary. About the same as a mid- level porn producer. Although, if Carly Fiorina or Hillary Clinton wins, we only have to pay them 77 percent, or $308,000.

9. From out of nowhere, mothers will hand you their babies. To do with what you will.

8. Your own 747. With in-flight refueling connections, ballistic missiles, evasive action capabilities and 19 televisions.

7. Everywhere you go, someone close will be carrying a football.

6. People pay attention to what you say. Your every syllable will be raked over like a beach near the crash site of a jet carrying the world’s largest shipment of blue diamonds.

5. Got a minor phobia about being late? Nothing will ever start without you again.

4. You want lobster thermidor at 3 a.m.? You can have lobster thermidor at 3 a.m.

3. Guaranteed to age into a stylish head of distinguished grey hair. Every president gets it. Obama looks like a snow-capped mountain pass. Thank God John McCain didn’t win in 2008. The guy started out a sarcophagus. By the end of his first term, he would have looked like a rubber Yoda hand puppet shriveled in the Arizona summer sun.

2. Extremely attentive health care. You don’t just have a doctor on call. He’s in the bullet- proof car behind you.

1. Your post presidential speaking fee just crossed into seven figures.

Vanderburgh County Recent Booking Records

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EPD ACTIVITY REPORT

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SPONSORED BY DEFENSE ATTORNEY IVAN ARNAEZ. 
DON’T GO TO COURT ALONE. CALL IVAN ARNAEZ @ 812-424-6671.

Golf Outing to Honor Coach Morris Riley

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Friends of Morris Riley, longtime coach and teacher at Central and North high schools, are hosting the Morris Riley Golf Outing and Luncheon Program on Monday, June 8, at Oak Meadow Gold Club. Golf registration will begin at 7 a.m. and the lunch program will begin at 12:30 p.m.

The event will serve as a fundraiser for EVSC’s memorial of Coach Riley which will be placed at North High School’s Bundrant Stadium.

Teacher and Coach Morris Riley, who passed away in July 2014, began his career at Central High School and later became the first varsity football coach at North High School, coaching from 1956 to 1975. He also coached wrestling, boy’s track, girl’s golf and later men’s golf at the University of Evansville. Morris ended his football coaching career at North with more than 100 victories. In 1977, he was named to the University of Evansville Athletic Hall of Fame and was named to the Indiana Football Hall of Fame in 1987.

Costs for Morris Riley Golf Outing include:

  • $75 – single, golf cart and lunch
  • $20 – Lunch program only
  • $100 – Hole sponsor
  • $300 – golf foursome with 4 lunches and 2 carts

To register, visit www.northhuskyfootball.com/morris-riley-memorial.

PET OF THE WEEK

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Ebony is a 1-year-old female cat! She’s very playful & mischievous. Black cats are often overlooked for “prettier” colors in shelters, but what this girl lacks in flashy fur she more than makes up for in personality! Her $30 adoption fee includes her spay, microchip, vaccines, & more! Call (812) 426-2563 or check out www.vhslifesaver.org for adoption details!

MEDICARE SEMINAR  SET FOR WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17TH 

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St. Mary’s Senior Connection will hold a Welcome to Medicare seminar Wednesday, June 17 at 4:00 p.m. at 951 S. Hebron Ave., Suite C (between Bellemeade and Washington Ave.) adjacent to the Senior Connection Office.

When individuals and their families are new to the federal Medicare program, it can be confusing and frustrating at first glance. This program will help you better understand the many different parts of Medicare and what your options are when you enroll.

This is an informational program only. No specific plans or companies will be discussed. The seminar will be presented by Gina Downs, Director of St. Mary’s Senior Connection. It is free but registration is required. Call St. Mary’s Senior Connection at 812-473-7271 or toll free at 800-258-7610 for reservations and directions.

Daily Off Topic Forum May 24 , 2015

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St. Mary’s Auxiliary Awards Scholarships to local high school students

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The St. Mary’s Auxiliary celebrated a very successful year by awarding $15,000 in scholarships to worthy recipients at the Annual Meeting and Scholarship Luncheon, held May 20th. The Auxiliary presented six high school seniors with scholarship awards. The awards included the Achievement Award Scholarships, Teen Volunteer Awards and The Daughters of Charity Mission Award. Recipients were selected based on their financial need, GPA, activities, leadership, interviews and other leadership criteria.

The winners of the 2015 Annual Achievement Awards are:

  • Tyler Halbig received $5,000. He is the son of Beth Halbig who works in the Radiology Department of St. Mary’s. Tyler will attend St. Louis University in the fall.
  • Dalton Morrow received $3,500. He is the son of Julie Morrow who works in the Strategic Services Department. Dalton is planning to attend IU in the fall.
  • Patrick Helfrich received $2,500. Patrick is the son of Cindy Helfrich.  Cindy works for Dr. Weinzapel’s office. Patrick plans to attend IU in the fall.

The achievement award winners were interviewed and scored by community leaders Dr.  Sharon Kazee, University of Evansville First Lady and Community Volunteer and by Mr. Dan Carwile, SVP at Old National Bank and St. Mary’s Foundation board member.

The winner of the $2,000 Daughters of Charity Mission award is:

  • Hannah Heindorn – daughter of Jennifer Heindorn who worked in the Labor and Delivery Department.

The winners of the $1,000 Teen Volunteer Awards are:

  • Melanie Baker – Melanie volunteered 80 hours at St. Mary’s.
  • Hannah Shull – Hannah volunteered 101 hours over four summers during high school.

The Auxiliary also contributed $7,000 to fund a scholarship for nursing staff members to advance their degrees.

Rush named dean of students at USI

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Dr. Ronald Rochon, provost, has announced the appointment of Dr. S. Bryan Rush as the dean of students at the University of Southern Indiana. Rush currently serves as vice president for Student Services and dean of students at Erskine College in South Carolina, where he also provides leadership in the areas of institutional effectiveness and strategic planning. In addition, he serves as an adjunct faculty member in the Department of Counseling and Human Development Services at the University of Georgia. The appointment is effective July 20, 2015.

“I am extremely excited about the appointment of Dr. Bryan Rush,” said Rochon. “He brings with him a very strong background in student affairs, and a clear understanding of current best practices involving the Dean of Students Office. He will continue the productive work of supporting our students that his predecessors have done so well.”

USI’s dean of students reports directly to the associate provost for Student Affairs and serves as a member of the Provost’s Council. The dean of students provides leadership and supervision to the Dean of Students Office, Counseling Center and University Health Center; chairs the CARE Team, acts as an advocate for students in the University community and serves as primary advisor to the Student Government Association; and, as part of the Provost’s management team, collaborates broadly across the University and with community partners on all matters affecting the student experience.

Rush graduated from Erskine College with a bachelor’s degree in history. He served as an admissions counselor at the institution before moving to Athens, Georgia, to enter the Masters of Education Program in college student affairs administrations.

After serving as a complex director in Residence Life at Virginia Tech, Rush returned to the University of Georgia to pursue his doctoral degree in college student affairs administration. After two years as a doctoral intern in Family and Graduate Housing, he transitioned into a position in the Office of Student Conduct. Upon completion of his degree, he was asked to return to Erskine to serve as dean of students.

Rush has served as editor of The Palmetto Practitioner, the professional journal of the South Carolina Student Personnel Association. He has authored several articles and presented on various topics at national and regional conferences. His research interests include supervision, institutional planning and assessment, policy development, and the history of higher education.

Governor Pence Directs Flags Be Flown at Half-staff for Memorial Day

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Governor Mike Pence is directing flags at state facilities statewide to be flown at half-staff Monday in honor of Memorial Day. Flags should be flown at half-staff from sunrise until noon on Monday, May 25.

Governor Pence also asks businesses and residents to lower their flags to half-staff to pay tribute to the brave men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice in defending our nation and our freedom.

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