By Tom Purcell

“I wanted to go to the beach, but the wife tells me we barely have the funds to go miniature golfing!”

“Ah, yes, you speak of a common experience for many Americans in recent summers. According to a 2014 Google Trends report, there has been a 10 percent increase in online searches for ‘staycations,’ getaways that are close to home.”

“A vacation to me is going to a beach and staying in a nice condo and forgetting all of our worries for a week or more — not driving 45 minutes to stay in some dinky motel at a lake!”

“There is a reason so many families are short on funds. According to The Wall Street Journal, the economy is only growing at an average of 2.2 percent a year since 2009, when the recession ended. It is the slowest economic recovery in more than 70 years. The growth rate is more than a full percentage point lower than in the second worst recovery, which occurred from 2001 through 2007.”

“But wasn’t President Obama just on the Jon Stewart show, claiming that every metric under his presidency is better than when he took office?”

“That is correct, but the Tampa Bay Times’ PolitiFact took exception to some of his claims. Here’s what they said about real weekly median earnings under Obama: ‘Between the first quarter of 2009 and the first quarter of 2015, inflation-adjusted weekly earnings for full-time wage and salary workers fell from $348 to $344, a decline of about 1 percent. Comparing the second quarter of 2009 and the second quarter of 2015, weekly earnings fell from $342 to $337, a decline of about 1.4 percent.’”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”

“Median income is not doing so well under Obama, either. PolitiFact says that ‘inflation-adjusted median household income, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, fell from $54,059 in 2009 to $51,939 in 2013 — a decline of about 4 percent.’”

“No wonder the wife and I are so broke.”

“It gets worse. Says PolitiFact: ‘The data show that 13.2 percent of Americans were living in poverty in March 2009. By March 2014, that percentage had risen to 14.5 percent. That was down slightly from what it was in the previous three years, but not enough to match the 2009 level.’”

“The wife and I are headed to the poorhouse if things don’t improve. The government is telling us there is low inflation, but making ends meet is getting harder every month. Have you seen the cost of milk, meat and produce? Costs keep going up as our income keeps going down!”

“The big picture could be worse, however. GDP is up, the number of employed Americans is up, and the unemployment rate, by and large, has improved since 2009, but the fact is a measly 2.2-percent growth rate is not going to cut it. Until that is corrected, many families will lack the growth opportunities they need in their careers to put money in the bank to have the funds they need to enjoy a decent summer vacation.”

“You mean like the mid-1990s?”

“Yes. The National Bureau of Economic Research says the 1990s was the longest economic expansion in U.S. history. The growth rate was double what it is now. The expansion lasted 10 years, from March 1991 to March 2001.”

“In the ’90s, the wife and I toured Europe and every year, we flew down to the Salesbbean. Now we get to go miniature golfing. Yippee!”

“It’s very simple. Until our government gets back to pro-growth policies, staycations will be staying with us a while.”

This is an excerpt from Tom Purcell’s new book, “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” available at amazon.com.

By Tom Purcell

Dear Mom and Dad,

It’s been almost three weeks since you dropped me off at summer camp. You better come get me ’cause I’m in big trouble.

On my first day, I was feeling homesick. So I found a piece of wood and began carving it with my Swiss Army knife the way Daddy showed me.

Well, one of the counselors yelled at me to “freeze.” He took my knife, then patted me down. Then he marched me off to the camp director. The director said, who did I think I was bringing a lethal weapon, a symbol of pain and death, into her camp? Then she gave me a “verbal warning.”

One day, Billy Johnson and I got bored, so we went into the woods to play. We turned a couple of branches into guns and made bullet noises as we fought the bad guys. Sure enough, we got marched off to the director. The director said there’s so much war in the world because boys like us are taught to “celebrate” it from an early age. She said we should be ashamed of ourselves and that we were lucky she wasn’t sending us home.

So I figured I better stay out of trouble. But then I got in trouble at lunch. I began to say grace out loud, just like you taught me, and I was carted off to the director again.

She wanted to know who I thought I was imposing my beliefs on others. She said my actions showed how “ignorant” and “insensitive” Americans are to other cultures; then she gave me another warning.

Believe it or not, things got even worse. We were weaving baskets and I was sitting next to Mary Allison, the prettiest girl I ever saw.

“Mary,” I said, “you’re so pretty you make me smile from ear to ear.”

Well, sure enough, I was carted off to the director again. She said I really crossed the line this time. She said my behavior was not only “boorish,” but against the law. She said I should be sued for sexual harassment.

By the way, what is a “gender terrorist”?

I was pretty uptight by that point. But I was able to forget about it when we played kickball. I kicked the ball really far and I got a grand slam. I was so happy, I said, “We win! We win!”

Sure enough, that got me another trip to the director’s office. This time she said I was “insensitive” to the players on the other team. She said I hurt their “self-esteem.” Then she asked me if you and Daddy are Republicans.

By this point, I figured I’d better just keep to myself. So I got a jar out of the cafeteria and went into the woods. I caught a bumblebee in the jar and put some flowers in there to keep him happy. I was poking holes in the top to let fresh air in when I was hauled off to the director again.

This time, she was really mad. She said, who did I think I was giving a “death sentence” to an innocent bee? She said I had no respect for the Earth and that it was people like me who were responsible for climate change. She said I’ll be lucky if the world doesn’t end before I collect Social Security.

She said I better get with the program — that there is no place in this world anymore for “thoughtless,” “restless,” “insensitive” boys like me. She said if I mess up one more time, she was kicking me out of the camp.

By the way, what is Ritalin?

Anyhow, you better plan on coming back to get me. Tomorrow everybody is going for a hike in the woods. And I already picked some flowers to give to Mary Allison.

Your son,

Tommy