NEITHER MEAT NOR VEGETABLE by Jim Redwine

Gavel Gamut

By Jim Redwine

(Week of 30 November 2015)

NEITHER MEAT NOR VEGETABLE

We gathered together with our friends and neighbors Thursday. When I lived on the Osage Nation we had ready-made Native Americans too. However, Thanksgiving is no longer a celebration of mixing cultures and survival. Now it is merely a fuel stop on the way to Black Friday.

There was a cornucopia of all the traditionals: turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, homemade bread, sweet potatoes and sugar in every imaginable concoction. It was wonderful; I know because I ate all of it.

Then there was this roll of ersatz substance. It was grey, mushy and difficult to distinguish in taste from the paper plate upon which it lurked.

Now, our neighbor, Bonnie Minnette, is a fine and generous cook. Over the years we have been blessed to be rescued numerous times from our failure to replenish our ‘fridge and pantry; Bonnie has always been to us as Pocahontas was to John Smith.

However, even Paul Prudhomme deflates a soufflé now and then. Such was the case with the imitation meat coiled up like a poor rendition of foie gras.

“Uh, Bonnie, what is this and is it meant to be eaten?”

“Oh, that is tofu loaf. It is just like turkey but is fat free, cholesterol free and extremely dietetic.”

Okay, Gentle Reader, how would you have approached this dilemma? Here’s what I came up with as Bonnie and a houseful of wanna-be Ree Drummonds watched. In spite of Peg’s razor sharp elbow driven into my ribs, Peg had watched in horror as I stabbed the tofu, I stood and held up the platter of would be turkey:

“Jim, why are you standing up holding that platter of tofu?”

“You know how President Obama always pardons a turkey at Thanksgiving? Well, as a judge I can also issue pardons, and this unique dish is more in need of a pardon than any I have ever seen. I declare it free. I shall not harm an ounce of it.”

By the way, why is there no equal protection for a ham at Easter, a standing rib roast at Christmas and a lamb at Passover? What is so special about turkeys, some of which rival vegetables in intellect?

On the other hand, in my mind there is no question tofu is deserving of being rescued from all holiday banquets.