Gavel Gamut
By Jim Redwine
(Week of 27 July 2015)
ALL’S FAIR ….
It begins each April, escalates through September and hibernates from November to March. The rules are the same as for any war, there are none.
The combatants involve an entire neighborhood; there are only two sides. In fact there are only two neighbors, us and “themâ€.
As with all wars there is intrigue intertwined with shifting allegiances, intelligence gathering and sometimes a lack thereof. The oral treaties that are formed from time to time are not worth the paper they are written on.
Well-intentioned truces and heartfelt offers of cooperation recede with the tides of battle. There are two generals, Bonnie Minnette and Peg. Each has an army of singular sadsacks, Chuck and me. Bonnie and Peg strategize and command. Chuck and I obey orders.
Victories are calculated on the number of hummingbirds sucking sugar water at any given time at either their home or ours. There is no weight given for size or color or the belligerence of the aggressively mean-spirited aviators. Apparently there can never be enough food to induce a hummingbird to share. Perhaps they take their attitude from Bonnie and Peg.
About April Fools Day Peg drags out her armaments consisting of various styles of feeders designed by some ornithologist to attract hummingbirds. No one seems to have bothered to check with the birds. Peg scrubs and cleans these always red, plastic, supposedly irresistible creations.
She issues orders to me to purchase untold bags of perfectly good cane sugar to give to the completely self-absorbed tiny kamikazes. It is phenomenal how much intoxicating sugar water these gluttons disguised as birds can eat. Obviously pigs can fly.
Each spring Chuck and I meet secretly and agree to hide all firearms from Bonnie and Peg. We do not believe we can prevent all skirmishes, but we try to prevent the nuclear option. Perhaps President Obama may want to give us a call.
As husbands we know the chain of command; we are the lowest link. We must carry out our wives’ orders. However, as enlisted troops have known for thousands of years, what the officers do not know about they cannot screw up.
I was dispatched by my general back in May to increase the sugar to water ratio when Peg noticed some of “her†hummingbirds deserting to Bonnie. Peg knew this had to be due to Bonnie’s implementation of a non-Geneva Convention approved sugar solution. Peg struck back with a vengeance.
Unfortunately for Chuck, Bonnie immediately sent him across the road to get surreptitious samples of Peg’s secret weapons. Chuck apologized to me when I caught him with a hypodermic needle stuck in one of Peg’s feeders. He had no choice. It was either obey or cook his own meals. That was over the Fourth of July weekend.
After that I thought the war had reached a rather quiescent state. The initial belligerence of the spring had waned until this morning. Then I went looking for my fish retriever net and found it in Peg’s girl cave. Her explanation was diabolical. I’ll let her tell you:
Jim: “What are you doing with my net?â€
Peg: “I am getting ready to use it.â€
Jim: “For what?â€
Peg: “Bonnie and Chuck just left to get the newest hummingbird feeders at Rural King and you know how long they’re gone when they go to Rural King.â€
