Gavel Gamut By Jim Redwine
THE SNOWBIRD’S LAMENT
Hoosiers wear pajamas on Sunday morning at home. Many Floridians wear them everywhere, all the time. The only Hoosiers who wear house shoes to dinner are the same Hoosiers who play Bingo. Floridians wear house shoes to church.
The servants at Downton Abbey dress better than elected officials in Florida, well, maybe Indiana too, but you get the metaphor.
Half of God’s waiting room sits around, not in, swimming pools speaking English with funny Yankee accents while the other half mow, trim, plant and construct while speaking Spanish.
Peg and I fall into category one, but we speak proper Hoosier. We only use our high school Spanish when we leave our geriatric condo complex.
There are parks everywhere in Florida. Nobody uses them except people with dogs. Indiana does not waste farmland on parks. Hoosiers flock to the few parks they can find and play softball while Floridians remain Bingo-bound and look at all the parks.
Indiana in winter provides proper weather. Ice, snow, sleet and frostbite are reveled in by Hoosiers who honor school closings and worship tow trucks. Floridians don parkas at 60 °, give unsolicited advice to Hoosiers such as, “Just quit your job and move down hereâ€, and ask, “What’s a tow truck?â€
The grass in Indiana has the courtesy to go dormant in October and remain in repose until April. Grass in Florida prides itself on providing year round off the books employment to the three million illegal immigrants who have accepted Emma Lazarus’ open invitation on the Statue of Liberty. By the way, within a month of arrival, each traveler puts, at least, two more cars into Florida’s kamikaze traffic. Hoosiers drive cars too, but in Indiana, dodge’em as a sport is discouraged.
Hoosiers eat breakfast at breakfast time, i.e., before eight a.m. Restaurants in Florida do not even open until nine and Floridians consider it gauche to eat an egg before ten.
People in Indiana harness the Ohio and Wabash Rivers for industry and recreation. Florida is also surrounded by water, but the only ones who use the ocean are a few middle aged surfers who greet everyone with, “Hey, Dude.â€
In summary, Floridians dress funny, talk funny, drive crazy and have no winter. Hoosiers are normal, but freeze half the year. If you want to contact Peg or me before spring, send us a letter.
