Raging Moderate by Will Durst
It’s hard to believe, but we’re on the brink of another presidential election year. Let us pray. Every quadrennial, the American political process plays out as a big-top carnival sideshow featuring moral contortionists, ethical geeks and fat sweaty white guys teetering on slack media wires.
Fortunately, we Americans have become as resilient to this format as fourth-generation cockroaches are to watered-down insecticide. To show how familiar, we here at Durstco have compiled a political forecast of what to expect over the coming year. Clip and save. All dates are approximate. Your mileage may differ.
FEBRUARY 1, 2016: The results of the Iowa Caucuses are dismissed by non-winning candidates as an irrational political stunt, much like a game of musical chairs without the music. And no chairs.
FEBRUARY 9, 2016: Some type of victory in the New Hampshire primary, moral or otherwise, is claimed by no fewer than seven candidates.
MARCH 1, 2016: Super Tuesday. So called for the quantity of primaries, not the quality.
MARCH 11, 2016: A rumor about a low-polling politico having an affair with an aide is revealed to be a last-ditch cynical attempt to humanize him.
MARCH 20, 2016: A flag factory in New Jersey bans all photo-ops by Presidential aspirants in an attempt to get some work done.
APRIL 16, 2016: Ronald Reagan is reported to be in a Swiss spa getting transfusions of Keith Richards’ blood. “Draft Reagan†groups spring up in thirty-seven states.
APRIL 29, 2016: A New York Times poll says 40 percent of the American public sees a need for a third party.
APRIL 30, 2016: Ben Carson announces he will run as a third party candidate.
APRIL 31, 2016: A USA Today poll says 43 percent of the American public sees a need for a fourth party.
JULY 18, 2016: In Cleveland, the Republican National Convention outlines a platform that proposes hunting the homeless for food.
JULY 22, 2016: After the Republican National Convention, the conservative wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party. Cleveland cab drivers express disgust.
JULY 25, 2016: In Philadelphia, the Democrats float a platform that endorses good and condemns bad.
JULY 26, 2016: Due to pressure from large donors, the platform is watered down.
JULY 30, 2016: After the Democratic National Convention, the liberal wing accuses the nominee of selling out the party. Philadelphia Uber drivers express dismay.
AUGUST, 2016: Absolutely nothing happens in August and it is reported upon at great length.
OCTOBER 4, 2016: The Vice Presidential debate is beaten in the ratings by a Weather Channel special on topsoil. Two days later, the DEA rules it illegal to stream a recording of it while driving.
OCTOBER 19, 2016: No Presidential candidate personally appears at the final debate. Instead, spin-doctors give detailed answers as to how the candidates would have responded if particular questions were asked in a certain way.
NOVEMBER 8, 2016: In a concerted effort not to encourage these hypocritical tools, the public stays away from the polls in record numbers.
NOVEMBER 9, 2016: The losing party’s Vice Presidential nominee calls the election an aberration and fires an opening shot kicking off the 2020 campaign. The collective national groan registers a 4.2 on the Richter scale.
